A need for clarification...

In light of my last few posts, I feel that I should clarify something: I am not as vain or self-centered as you may think I am. Sometimes I re-read my blog posts or Facebook statuses (statii?) and I think, "If someone didn't know me or my sense of humor, they might think that I was a narcissistic, egomaniacal person!" I am not. At least I don't think I am. But then again, if I were narcissistic, I wouldn't think I was either, would I? But if I were narcissistic it probably wouldn't occur to me to write a blog post like this where I clarified the issue to people... right?

So why do I write blog posts where I talk about how awesome, beautiful, amazingly talented and smart I am? It's because of something I learned a couple of years ago. I took the Love Languages quiz (roll your eyes if you will), and I realized that one of the major ways I receive love is through words of affirmation. As I've been on my weight loss journey over the last 5 months, the most encouragement I've received is from my friends who are constantly telling me how good I look, how much weight I've lost, and how proud of me they are. It has been incredible to see how these words have lifted my spirits and kept me on the right path! The more words of affirmation the better. As long as I believe that you mean it, I will soak it all up! Then I realized that words of affirmation is totally something I can give myself! Do I genuinely believe that I'm awesome? ... Maybe. I believe it more today than I did when I said it the first time. Every time I tell myself how proud I am of myself, every time I brag on myself, I feel just a little bit better.

You see, I'm the kind of girl who is pretty dang insecure, but I hide it well beneath a thick layer of faux-confidence, sarcasm, humor, and a model-walk (so I've been told). What this creates is a confident persona, which works without me even realizing I'm doing it. Apparently, from what I've heard, I exude confidence from the minute I walk in a room. But when people get to know me, they realize that I'm just as self-conscious as the next girl. I want people to like me. I worry about my appearance. I think I'm fat (used to...that's quickly fading, although there are still very unattractive parts to my body - hello bat wings!). I worry about being alone. I usually assume that people are annoyed by my presence and often don't want to be around me.

If you only read my blog, you might never know that about me. And if you've only seen me once or twice in passing, you might not know that. But it's true. Which is why I've picked up the habit of talking myself up - to myself and to others. I've found that the more I brag on myself (whether I believe what I say or not), the more I begin to believe what I'm saying - that I am fun to be around, that people like me, that I am beautiful, that I am talented, and that I'm actually kind of awesome. You see, I lived plenty of years (obviously not that many years, I'm only 28 {and yes, I did say only}) practicing the self-abasing I'm-no-good talk. And what did that get me? Depression, loneliness, heartache, and unhappiness. When I believed that I was no good and continued telling myself that, people didn't enjoy being around me. Which only perpetuated the I'm-no-good mentality. It was a nasty circle that I dreaded repeating for an entire lifetime.

But now I've realized that, because I am a child of Christ, I am worth more than that. Not because I'm something much more special than you or anyone else, but because we're all special. Because He chose me, because He chose each of us to love, we deserve to think highly of ourselves. We deserve to acknowledge the beauty and worth inside of us. Because He is within me, I truly am awesome! It's not vanity, it's adoration of the Creator and thankfulness for the life He's given me.

So with all of that, please take my self-accolades with a grain of salt. I love myself, and if it gets to an unhealthy point, I hope someone will lovingly confront me on it. But until then, maybe you should start telling other people you're awesome too. Or better yet, tell yourself!