Sunday, November 30, 2014

Elf on the Shelf From Hell

Last year, I remember being inundated with pictures of this new phenomenon, Elf on the Shelf. OK, maybe it's not new to all you parents, but it was brand spankin new to me as a single person. Here's the best explanation I can come up with for what this thing is and what he is supposed to do:

The elf was sent here by Santa to spy on little children to see whether they're being naughty or nice. Then, every night while the children are sleeping, the elf reports back to Santa on how the children behaved that day. Each morning when the children wake up, the elf has mysteriously moved to another location, and children eagerly awaken to discover where the elf is hiding today...

Is that about right? Let me break this down for you. THAT IS CREEPY. Dolls coming to life when you're not looking? You might be thinking "Oh, like Toy Story! Isn't that cute?" But you know what came out before Toy Story? Before Woody and Buzz were making the world behind our backs a fun and magical place where toys had to learn to work together and how to be friends? Before those lovable companions there was CHUCKY. That's right, the evil doll that came to life when you weren't looking and then KILLED YOU.

Chucky is the reason I couldn't sleep with my favorite doll Melissa anymore. I was convinced that she was sent from Satan to trick me into going to hell. And each night while I was sleeping she would report back to her master on her progress, which is why when I woke up in the morning, she was face down on the floor. Sound familiar??? Inanimate objects coming to life is not cute. It's not festive. It's just creepy.

In light of this truth and the blessing that I don't have any children to scar with my current antics, I'm doing my own version of Elf on the Shelf this year. It's Elf on the Shelf From Hell. Just to show you people how close your current Christmas traditions are to terrifying the crap out of everyone.

Let me introduce you to Jingle and Bells, two sweet decorative elves that I received for Christmas last year. Jingle and Bells have agreed to work with me this season to teach you all a lesson... Toys that come to life at night have minds of their own. And we might not always like what's inside those minds. Join me each day as we count down to Christmas with Elf on the Shelf From Hell!

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