I completely dropped off the face of the planet, didn't I? Honestly, I have been debating whether I should abandon my blog entirely and give up on the notion of being real and honest with you all. But something in me is compelling me to write again, to share my experiences and to give voice to often ignored problems.
As you know, when we last spoke I was training for the OKC Half Marathon, but was having some knee trouble. The knee troubles got worse and worse until I could barely run a mile without pain. It has taken me awhile to find a doctor and get a referral to an orthopedic doc, so I have not run in nearly two months now. I've decided to forgo my dream to run the half this year and start hoping I can do it next year (I might even run one before that, depending on what the doctor says).
About the same time that I had to stop running (I'm relatively sure this is not a coincidence), I experienced the most severe attack of anxiety and depression I can recall. Many of you know that I've battled depression for the last 15 years, but it hasn't been a major problem for the last 10 years. That is, until the end of January. I was immobilized by despondency and fear. I sat on the couch for hours, crying for no apparent reason. It was truly one of the lowest points of my life.
Fortunately, I had the presence of mind to get help from wherever I could receive it. I reached out to friends and family who were incredibly supportive. I began taking medication that helped me to function normally. And I found a counselor who could help me process my thoughts and feelings. Life is better now. I'm still reeling from the episode and trying to figure out what my life looks like now. I feel off-balance and unsure of my footing. My life doesn't quite feel like my own yet. But I feel much more in control than I did two months ago, and that is definitely a gift from God.
There are endless reasons that I didn't want to write this blog post. What would everyone think about me when they know I'm crazy (for the record, I don't think I'm crazy, but I can imagine that some might)? What happens when I'm not perfect anymore? Who am I if I admit that I'm really messed up and that I need help? It's terrifying to be vulnerable. But I've tried to be intentional about being open and honest about my life, and this is a very real part of my life right now. I would feel deceitful and fake if I glossed over or covered up this very real issue that I am currently dealing with.
In addition to a desire for transparency and vulnerability, I want to share my struggles because I think that the realm of mental health is one that the Christian world has ignored for far too long. I pray, guys. I love Jesus. And I have faith that if He wanted to heal me, He could supernaturally change the chemistry of my brain so everything works normally. But until He does that, I just need to be able to function.
The mind is a part of the body, and while no one gives a friend a hard time about taking insulin for diabetes or medication for high blood pressure, somehow we have the audacity to tell people with mental illness that just because it's "all in their head" means that it's not real and that they should be able to overcome it if they just try harder. Nothing makes me madder. I'm not stupid. If there were a way to rationalize myself out of depression, I would have done it by now. And I don't enjoy being depressed. If I could make myself happy just by trying harder, I would have done that too. Trust me.
I know that it can be scary to talk to someone with a mental illness. You feel pressure to say something helpful. You feel like you have to say the right things or who knows what they might do! They're unstable, right? Trust me, there is no right thing to say. There is nothing that you can say that will make everything better. What people want is to be heard and not to be judged. The best thing you can do for someone who is struggling with depression is just to be a friend. Sometimes just your physical presence can calm me down.
The last reason that I wanted to share my story with everyone is that I don't believe God wastes anything. Depression sucks, there's no two ways about it. But I'm hoping that by sharing my story others who are struggling with the same or similar issues will be able to find comfort and freedom in the knowledge that they are not alone, there is hope, and they are going to make it through this. One of the worst things about depression is that it creates in you this feeling that you are entirely alone. And it's simply not true. You're NOT alone. There IS hope. This WILL pass. I have to remind myself of these things every day. And slowly but surely, I'm starting to believe them.
2 comments:
Corrie,
I think it's great that you shared this. It proves that you are a strong woman. I have known a few people that struggle with depression, and there is nothing easy about it. I really like your paragraph about the mind being part of the body, and we don't hessitare to treat our bodies. I agree that God can supernaturally heal, but when He doesn't, I am so thankful for the resources He provides us with on earth. I am happy that you sought out those resources. I hope that by you sharing this, others will be encouraged to do the same.
Glad to here things are on the upswing Corrie. I totally get what you are saying about the way Christians seem to just ignore this sort of issue. It is a definitely a sad state of affairs when people who would normally be the first ones you turn to can be so unable to understand. I know that I have been guilty of not understanding or properly empathizing with mental health issues in my friends and myself in the past. I try to do better these days :)
While I haven't been diagnosed with depression or looked at that issue closely in regards to myself; I do totally get the idea of feeling all alone in the world. I feel like that all the time. I've taken to basically blaming myself for not being a good enough friend and family member; and lacking in empathy, so others don't want to be around me. This post definitely gives me a mental kick to maybe look at things in another perspective. Maybe I should start repeating those 3 things myself.
Post a Comment